Friendship, what does that mean to you?

I’ve noticed over the years that loyalty and trust are very hard to come by in any form of a relationship. Maybe it’s just me or maybe it’s our sad excuse for societal norms, I don’t know. Regardless, those two things are rare, and they are NECESSARY for any healthy relationship. Now, I’m not talking about that unhealthy, toxic, controlling type loyalty where you’re just hurting someone and keeping them under your thumb. I’m talking about the genuine, I got your back because I know you got mine, the, I’ll be honest with you no matter what because I want what’s best for you, type of relationship. We all make mistakes. Maybe you’ve shared a secret you shouldn’t have, maybe you felt a little envious, jealous, whatever, we’re human and we are not meant to be perfect.

I realize this is sounding a bit cynical and maybe some of you have never experienced terrible relationships in your life, so I apologize because one day you probably will.  

You see, I have this friend of mine—my best friend in the whole wide world, my soulmate (no, soulmates do not always have to be your life partner), my one person I can trust with absolutely anything in my life. Essentially, she is another part of me, like a limb or something.

This friendship didn’t happen overnight. I wasn’t always a great friend to her. Honestly, when we first met, I was a shitty, little kid. I didn’t understand friendship. All I knew was being pushed aside, so that’s what I did to others because I wanted to fit in. I remember my cousin, sister, and I tried convincing her we were witches (partly because we wanted to be witches and, because we were assholes).

As we got older, I grew selfish. I had too many problems going on in my life. Boo hoo. When you’re a teenager, you don’t think about anyone else, at least not in the ways that matter anyway. Regardless of what she was going through, she never gave up on me. We’ve gone long periods of time without speaking or seeing one another. We’ve had our fights. We’ve gone through every stage of life together, all the good and all the bad. But no matter what, we remained close. We grew closer with every hard conversation, with every reality check she threw at me. She helped me grow. She helped me follow my dreams. She picked me up when my life was falling apart. She showed up.

No matter what negative experience we went through, it didn’t matter. I knew I’d never betray her, and she would never betray me. Having that type of trust in someone even though they’ve seen your worst (and been victim to it) is priceless and extremely hard to come by.

I wish I could go back and apologize for my mistakes. I wish I could slap 14, 15, 16-year-old Kylie and shake her out of that darkness, to appreciate the people in her life more back then. To be happier, make more friends, and just relax—tell myself that life gets better, but I can’t. I can only be grateful that I had someone with me along the way that helped me be who I was meant to be. I’ll never be able to tell her how much her friendship meant to me (and still means to me), but I know she knows.

Now, headed into my thirties with an entire life of chaos under my belt, I’m finally where I want to be. I’m okay moving into this chapter of my life—this calm. I can look back on everything great and horrible I’ve done and sleep at night.

I was young and dumb, but aren’t we all?

If you have a friend like mine, give them a hug or even a call and let them know that you appreciate them.

I don’t really have a question for this one. Just a day in my thoughts, feeling grateful for the people in my life.

Remember to look ahead, instead of in the past. We grow. We learn. Forgive yourself and move on.